7 things single people wish their married leaders knew

If you spend enough time in church, you’ll likely hear a lot about marriage and family life. Sermon illustrations about toddlers, jokes about snoring spouses, I’ve even been subjected to the odd mother-in-law jibe. So what if you’re the one sitting there thinking, I have absolutely no idea what that’s like?

In many churches, being married can feel like the unspoken default setting. Meanwhile, single people may be quietly navigating questions, assumptions and the occasional well-meaning but awkward, “So… why are you single?”

I spoke to several single people serving faithfully in churches in the north of England about what they wish their married leaders understood about their lives.

1. The pressure is real
   Our culture idealises being in a relationship and church culture can often do the same.Shannon, who serves in a church in a northern English city, told me that questions like, “Why are you single?” are asked more often than you might think. Even when well-meaning, these questions can reinforce the idea that singleness is a problem to solve.Chloe, also part of an inner-city church, said joining a Christian singles group early in her adult life was invaluable. It gave her a circle of “good and long-lasting friends” who understood her experience.Leaders can help by intentionally creating spaces where single people can build meaningful friendships as part of the core life of the church.
2. Don’t always ask the single people
   Single people are often perceived as having fewer responsibilities. That can make it tempting to ask them to serve more frequently. But availability does not equal capacity. Just like anyone else, single people need emotional support, pastoral care and encouragement. We can all take care to value single people for who they are, not just how often they can serve.
3. Singleness can feel like rejection
   Chloe put it honestly: “It can be easy to feel rejected at times for not having been ‘chosen’ by another person. I know in my head that being chosen by God is far more important – but not always in my heart.”
   How can churches make sure that single people still feel “chosen” to be a part of the whole life of the church? Many single people find deep joy in being invited into other families lives. Lou Mann, who serves in Bradford, told me how thankful she is to have been beautifully included in other people’s families. Those invitations matter.
4. We need single people in leadership
   It’s so valuable when single people are not only represented on a leadership level, but also heard. Shannon said she appreciates when single people preach or speak about singleness. Single leaders can also bring a different view, wisdom, and fresh theological understanding in other areas that strengthen the whole church. Many single people do have children too, but marriage and parenting have not always been joyful experiences for everyone.What if churches found ways to celebrate the fullness and variety of single life? Lou noted that serving in a community with many different kinds of families has been “beautiful” because there’s less pressure to fit into one mould.
5. It can be lonely
   Shannon described loneliness like this: “Sitting on your own, coming to church on your own, going back home on your own. Seeing others and their seasons of busyness in life, sometimes feeling a burden on others…”Leaders can’t assume who is lonely. But they can ask.
   A simple conversation like, “How are you really doing? What would help you feel more connected?”, can open doors.
6. Looking for a relationship isn’t simple
   Saying singleness is “a calling” isn’t helpful, as many people don’t feel that “call”. But looking for a relationship can also be tricky. Shannon noted that even the act of going on dates can sometimes invite scrutiny from other Christians. And then finding someone suitable can also be a painful challenge. Vicky Walker, author of Relatable, surveyed 1,500 current and former Christians. One striking finding was the wide spectrum of attitudes among people who identified as Christian. For example, there was an exact split (of 40%) between those who had waited – or planned to wait – until marriage to have sex and those who hadn’t. Very concerningly, a quarter of respondents reported experiencing unhealthy or abusive “romantic” or sexual behaviour from people who called themselves Christians. Can we create a non-judgemental place in church where people are safe to explore relationships without pressure or judgement, and where healthy behaviour in relationships is taught and celebrated.
7. There can be deep joy in singleness
   Many people also find joy, freedom, purpose and spiritual health are a beautiful part of being single. Single people can have space to form deep friendships, travel freely, invest in education and even more time to hear God’s voice than their married friends. As Shannon said, she can “move house pretty much wherever I’d like to!” We need to hear and share these stories to rebuild the norm of what a healthy Christian looks like. Welcoming all kinds of families, adults and children sounds like a great way to build a healthy church.

This Valentine’s Day can we celebrate singleness alongside marriage? Because our wonderful, sometimes chaotic churches are built on the love of God, and on the idea of family and of belonging, whatever our lives look like. And Happy Valentines day, may we all know and enjoy the love of Jesus today, whatever our relationship status!