I have an admission: I hate motivational home furnishings. I don’t need a mug to tell me to “smile”, I already know to “eat” in the kitchen, or “relax” in the bath. As for “live, laugh, love” – well, I was already planning on taking my next breath thank you very much! But I have made one exception – during a particularly difficult patch with my mental health my precious sister-in-law bought me a notebook with the slogan “It’s OK Not To Do It All.” And, it turns out, it’s true!
Towards the end of 2023 a combination of my personal circumstances and an appearance on a TV gameshow (a story for another time!) led to me experiencing a period of chronic anxiety. I was shocked when I took the psychological assessment; in any other test I would have been proud of the almost perfect high score, but this time those numbers meant I was seriously unwell. I had taken onto myself the responsibility to keep everyone happy, to make everything run smoothly, and blamed myself continually when things didn’t go as I had hoped. As my husband perceptively noticed, I was looking for reasons to beat myself up, and I was seriously wounded.
There was a lot of unpicking to do, but some powerful prayer and support from dear friends and some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) by a skilled therapist helped me to lift the weight off my shoulders and enjoy life again. Part of this process was learning that my job is not to do everything, or to try to make everyone happy. My job is to love God, to love and care for people the best I can, and to show myself the same compassion that God shows towards me. And part of that has been learning the JOMO – the Joy of Missing Out.
We’ve all heard of FOMO—the Fear of Missing Out. That nagging feeling that something exciting is happening, and you’re not part of it. FOMO’s much calmer, more chilled-out sibling is JOMO. JOMO teaches us the joy of saying no, having less to do, and allowing ourselves space to just be. Learning that not every job is mine to do, gave me the confidence to say “no” when I need to. That can be daunting when so much Christian teaching is about serving sacrificially. But saying no can also be an act of love, to yourself and to others.
Kate Coleman is a leadership expert and author, with 35 years experience in church, charity and business sectors. She shared with me the power of saying “no”,
“The realisation that God both implements and endorses boundaries has had a revolutionary effect on my own leadership and ministry. It freed me to set limits on my time and energy without feeling guilty for refusing to allow someone’s non-emergency to keep me awake at night… I was working ‘all hours’ in a very demanding urban context. I had imbibed the idea that being perpetually available was ‘the Christian thing to do’. I was fortunate enough to have a more experienced Christian leader disabuse me of this idea. Having noted that I often answered the phone at night (I mean after midnight!) she advised me, ‘It can wait until morning’. In fact, her exact words were,
‘If someone has lived with the problem for 10 years, they can certainly wait another 24 hours for a solution.’
It was a liberating experience, I began to take real holidays, say, ‘no’ to unreasonable requests and draw the line at inappropriate over-familiarity.”
So the question is, how do we say no? Let’s imagine a scenario. You are asked to fill in for a youth leader at an event on a Saturday you had already planned to spend having a much needed rest day with a friend. The healthy, positive and assertive response is to explain that you already have plans, but explain they are free to ask again next time. This respects both your needs and theirs — it’s not a selfish response! They don’t get an exhausted youth worker, you get the rest you need. Jesus modelled this beautifully. He served others, but He also rested, prayed, and had boundaries. Assertiveness balances grace with honesty and in turn gives other people permission to say no when they need to.
Saying “no” also reminds us that the world doesn’t revolve around us (shocking, I know!). The positive feeling that we get from helping others can morph into an unhealthy belief that good things cannot happen without us in the driving seat. And when we say yes to everyone who comes to us needing help, we can take from them their independence and dignity, instead of supporting them to find their own solutions. We can also take away the opportunity for someone else to step up and develop their gifts and make an impact.
Next week, I’m heading off for an annual retreat with a friend. We booked last minute and I’d already committed to cooking at our church food project that week. To make matters trickier, the only other two people with the necessary food hygiene certificates were also unavailable. I really wanted to protect my retreat time, and with a little nudge from the Lord, I thought of one of our former volunteers who is now working full time as a chef. I messaged her on the off chance she might help. To my amazement, she already had the day off and not only agreed but went above and beyond – she’s going to organise menus for the next month and creatively use up our old stock. What a gift!
This experience reminded me that when we create space God can fill it in ways far better than we could imagine. And I’m confident that using her gifts and skills in this way will be a blessing to her too.
Of course, JOMO doesn’t mean saying no to every hard or awkward thing. Sometimes, God does call us to step up, even when it’s uncomfortable. The key is for us to listen prayerfully and let His peace guide our decisions. As Colossians 3:15 reminds us:
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
So, let’s embrace the Joy of Missing Out. Say “no” when it’s the right thing to do. Rest, recharge, and trust that God will fill the gaps and that this will be a joy for you, and for others too! Next time I add to my to-do list I’m going to stop and read that front cover first, and remember, “It’s OK not to do it all.”
Resources:
Kate Coleman – The Seven Deadly Sins of Women in Leadership
Kate Coleman – Metamorph