Sam knew that he was doing good work. And for a little while, it felt like good work, too.
He had sensed God calling him to reduce his hours as a PE teacher to take up a part-time church outreach role in a deprived area of Leeds. At first his new role brought excitement and freedom, as he served prisoners, discipled young people, and hosted Bible studies for his neighbours.
But most of his first two years (apart from that initial period of excitement) were characterised by severe depression and anxiety. Family circumstances changed, he had to take leave from work, and he began to question whether it was worth it to be a Christian.
“Is this what you want me to experience?” he asked God. “If this is what my life is going to look like, I don’t think I want to do this for you anymore.”
I share Sam’s* story because it illustrates how powerfully suffering can rock – and form – leaders in contexts like his.
No one wants to suffer; everyone wants to grow.
I interviewed Sam as part of research I was carrying out for the Gregory Centre for Church Multiplication on spiritual growth in 18- to 35-year-olds. We found that spiritual growth was associated with five practices like community, Scripture, and responding to calls to action – but also with one experience: suffering.
This wasn’t a surprise: the role of suffering in spiritual formation is well documented. Specifically our research indicated that it can lead to growth by helping people realise their need for God, but also obstruct it (when it overwhelms people, reduces their ability to spend time with God, or leaves them with questions they can’t answer). Often, what made the difference was community. But it had to be the right kind: communities which were discriminatory, or lacked trust and authenticity, actually got in the way of growth.
Sam encountered some of this: “You’re not burnt out; you wouldn’t be laughing,” people told him during the worst of his depression. “You just need to push through: God will sort you out.”
Thankfully, he also found a Christian therapist and a group of trustworthy Christian peers. Therapy helped him to acknowledge what he was feeling, bring it to Jesus, and remind himself of his identity as God’s child. And his friends validated his emotions and held him accountable for aspects of his life he wanted to change.
As a result, Sam began to heal. He still has depression and anxiety, but now he has a stronger community and a much deeper sense of the love of God.
God loves the socks off me
As he emphasised to me, “I can sit on the sofa all day, and God loves the socks off me, or I can see ten people come to know Jesus in a day, and God loves me the same.”
This understanding of God’s love made him a bolder evangelist. Since he knows how unconditionally God loves him, Sam has begun to take more risks.
He told me, for instance, about meeting an older Christian who took a rather unusual treasure-hunting approach to evangelism: praying for guidance, then walking the streets of Leeds dressed as movie characters to start conversations
Which is how Sam ended up roller-blading through central Leeds dressed as the Greatest Showman, handing out Freddos and praying for healing.
Just a few days before we spoke, he had been speaking to a workman with knee issues. He felt God call him to hook up the workman’s knee to a car battery as a prophetic symbol of God’s power, which he did with the man’s permission. (Don’t worry, no actual electricity was involved!) Sam prayed, and the man’s knee was healed.
How suffering leads to mission
While miraculous, Sam’s experience is not unusual. Many of the participants in our research stressed that their spiritual growth created missional opportunities. Specifically, they noted that growing spiritually:
- Made them less afraid to be recognised as followers of Jesus
- Led others to recognise that they had changed
- Made them feel more equipped to share Jesus with others
Sam, clearly, was no longer afraid. But he had also become kinder, gentler, and more patient. Friends and neighbours noticed the change and wanted to know why.
Just as importantly, his suffering equipped him to minister to others who were going through similar experiences. He was able to empathise and draw on his own story as appropriate. The suffering which Sam thought might end his faith had become the foundation of his ministry.
“I think trials and challenges are the way forward”, he told me at the end of our interview. “Jesus literally tells you you’re going to have to pick up your cross, but no one as a Christian wants to hear that”.
Our research would suggest he’s right. Healing from suffering takes time, the support of an authentic, loving community, and often professional help. But God can use it.
Might he want to use yours?
It could be too soon to consider this question. Lament comes before resolution and exultation – and sometimes we never see resolution this side of the New Creation.
But then again, it might not be too soon. God is always doing surprising things, and often earlier than we expect.
*name has been changed.
Further reading
🔍 Research: Researching discipleship – ccx.org.uk/resource/discipleship-research
Gregory Centre for Church Multiplication – ccx.org.uk
📘 Book: The Deepest Place – Kurt Thompson
Article: Post Traumatic Growth – Richard G Tedeschi
🌐 More Information: Treasure Hunting