“It is like having been in a cave and then coming out into the world. I can’t describe it. There’s just so much on the other side.” Naomi*
Over the past 12 months I had the joy of visiting 7 women across the UK who had the misfortune of meeting an abusive man and had their lives changed because of him. Each of these outstanding women has regained ownership of their lives and they have all been helped on that journey by attending the Own My Life course ownmylifecourse.org
Naomi was abused by her husband over a 20 year marriage. They were both church members throughout their marriage.
“The first time I went and got my hair done after I left [my husband], I cried … I was so happy. And now every time I go back, it is a joyful experience.”
Naomi’s husband would control not only whether she could go to the hairdresser, but also what she could eat, what she could wear, where she could work and how she spent her time. It took Naomi time to recognise that this was not a normal or healthy marriage, and that she was being abused by him. As Naomi’s explains, how you are treated in a church when you disclose abuse can vary.
“I spoke to my church leaders when I had made my decision, because I felt it was important to tell them and to give them the opportunity to support me. And there was a little bit at the beginning which was, ‘Well, have you tried…?’
And I just said, ‘I’m going to stop you there. I have tried everything, and we really need to come at this as trusting me, that anything that you say, I will have tried multiple times, and I will have tried things you haven’t even thought of to make this marriage work. But it’s not on me. He is abusive, and I am leaving.’
And when I said that, that was it, they were absolutely 100% behind me… I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive church. And it absolutely breaks my heart that I know that there are churches out there that are the opposite.”
So what should we do when someone tells us they think they are being abused? The simple message is that we should both do and say the opposite of what an abuser does or says.
Here are 8 tips:
- Listen and believe
It can be very easy to be shocked by what we hear and to ask questions like “Are you sure that’s what he meant?” or say “That doesn’t sound like our Nigel”. It takes a lot of courage for someone who is being abused to tell someone about horrible things that are happening to them. Honour that courage. Listen, believe and thank them for trusting you enough to open up to you.
- Help her recognise opportunities to make choices
If we are being abused our choices are being taken away from us and we can be told that the things we like and choose are rubbish. It can be hard to recognise that we still have choices and that our life and decisions belong to us. Encourage women to know that they have options, and that you will support them in their decisions.
- Don’t advise her to get marriage counselling
Relationship and marriage counselling can be wonderful for couples where there is equality. But when there is an abusive partner in a relationship, counselling can make things worse and even put women at risk. (For more on this listen to episode 3 of the Own My Life podcast).
Instead offer the woman space and time to meet with a domestic abuse specialist worker, or someone else who is skilled at supporting women who are being abused. In Naomi’s case the church leaders also introduced her (with permission) to a woman who had been through a similar experience,
“…they were very open about the fact that the woman that they connected me to, they had not responded well to her, and they had absolutely learned from their mistakes, and she had the grace to stay in the church.”
- Honour her resistance
The myth is that women who are being abused simply accept what is happening to them. The truth is that women respond and resist abuse in many, varied, and often surprising ways. It might be about simply saying no to him. Or she might retaliate in some way. For Naomi this meant sticking her middle finger up at the abuser whenever he turned his back. This may sound ungracious or even dangerous but in fact it is a vital way for women to remember that they are not owned by the abuser and that what is happening to them is not OK, even if they don’t feel able or safe to leave immediately.
- Tell her she is amazing
Our job is to behave in an opposite way to the abuser. When he breaks her down, we build her up. When he blames her, we do not. When he tells her she has nothing to offer, we remind her of her gifts, skills, hopes and dreams
- Stick with her
It may take time for someone to leave a relationship where they are being abused and you may not understand why they would stay.*Naomi realised she was being abused after 15 years of marriage, but it took another 5 years to leave her husband. Watching from the outside can be very difficult, but it is vital that we don’t act like an abuser ourselves by telling people what to do or by making decisions for them.Our bodies are beautifully designed to keep us safe, with flight, fight, freeze, flop or friend responses to adrenaline. You may be surprised if a women seems to be getting on well with the abuser again, or if she leaves and then returns. Stick with her and don’t push your opinions of what she should do.
- Find out more for yourself
Supporting someone who is being subjected to abuse isn’t easy. Arm yourself with lots of knowledge, find a counsellor or therapist if you need to, and look after your own emotions so you don’t spill them over into your support for her.There are lots of resources available, but watching “Lover, Liar, Predator” on BBC Sounds is a good place to start. You could also listen to the Own My Life podcast or visit websites like www.restored-uk.org to find out what abuse can look like.
- Look for joy
Natalie Collins, expert on abuse, says that we need a joy quota in any work around violence against women and girls. She argues that a least 30% of presentations about this work should focus on how we make women’s lives better. I think this is a good starting place for any of us looking to help women who have been abused. What can we celebrate in women’s lives? In our churches how are we making women’s lives better? What gifts are the single, married, young and old women bringing into our church and how are we celebrating them and creating a culture where women are valued, involved and heard?
Naomi’s story reminds us that responding well can transform someone’s experience of escaping abuse. As friends, church members, leaders and communities, we have a responsibility to walk alongside women for as long as it takes for them to find freedom. When we do, we become part of their journey into life and joy. In many cases the church has failed women when they have disclosed abuse, these 8 steps can help us to reverse that, and make our churches places where women are free, safe, supported and valued.
*name has been changed.
Resources
Own My Life course ownmylifecourse.org
Own My Life podcast ownmylifecourse.org/podcast
BBC Documentary Lover, Liar, Predator
Restored UK restored-uk.org