Over the last twenty five years or so of urban and estate ministry there have been moments and more than moments, when I have felt a failure. I’d be surprised if you don’t know what I mean.
Within my context there are generally two types of conversation between church leaders when we meet, which to my shame I have been involved in too many times. ‘How big is your steeple’ and ‘how urban are you?’ The first one is really a conversation about how many people attend your church and more importantly how much has it grown. The second is exactly as it sounds, “what’s the real nature of depravation you are dealing with – it cant really be as bad as my setting!”
“I love to hear these stories and have many of my own.”
I’d wonder sometimes how true the stories were, and yes to my shame added a few exaggerations myself. Success stories are great, a new Christian supported by a food bank now leading the worship team; an alcoholic now in recovery running the charity shop; a young person close to becoming a gang member now sharing their love of Jesus to anyone who would listen. I love to hear these stories and have many of my own.
But, for every so called success story I have at least 5, maybe even 10 stories that have brought me to tears. Stories of people who continue in addiction, or are trapped in situations where they are sexually abused by men, or whose asylum story has ended in tragedy, Despite doing everything we could, these are the moments I felt I personally failed, somehow I was responsible for things not working out well.
Someone who helped us set up a church among people with addictions, and who was later pulled back into addiction herself; Someone who was found dead in an alleyway, having been groomed, exploited and trapped in a life of abuse by men; Someone living in modern-day slavery who reached out to the church for help, but when we couldn’t find a place of safety for her, was returned to violence, coercion, enforced crime, stolen benefits and appalling living conditions.
Someone we were supporting through the asylum system, whose fragile mental health collapsed when he was moved to the other side of the country — a person once full of life and humour, now carrying the deep scars of beatings, abuse and displacement. There are many more stories marked by loss, grief, anger and unanswered questions. Tears come often. And too often, these stories sit alongside the frustration of trying to explain this reality to fellow church leaders who seem more concerned with steeples and deprivation grades than with the human cost of poverty, trauma and injustice.
“These are the moments I felt I failed,
somehow I was responsible for things not working out well.”
If the so-called success stories mean just that, success, then the alternative is failure. So, since this is on me, I’m the failure. At least that’s how my mind works. About nine months ago I found myself sat in a room with a counsellor, yep I know I can see colleagues raised eyebrows now. I was told not only was I burnt out but I was also suffering from PTSD. That left me with a few questions, and a period of therapy and remarkable healing.
I knew I was called to this kind of ministry, I loved the people with a passion I could only have found from God. I would get angry and defensive when people made fun or at times were abusive towards the places we lived in and served. People at or beyond societies margins, people who the world shouted at ‘you have no value,’ ‘worthless,’ ‘deserving of your place in poverty, addiction, violence, crime’, you get the picture. So I threw myself into doing everything I could in every moment I had. I tried to never turn my back to always offer care, love and support.
“God is present in the harder stuff, those things
that bring you to your knees, to tears, to desperation.”
Here is something you may need to hear, God is present in the harder stuff, those things that bring you to your knees, to tears, to desperation. Those moments you identify as failure. You answered Gods call and that’s never failure because God is with you in that journey. Each experience brought teaching, each moment of pain brought a greater determination to help us understand the healing that comes from God not us. About six months of prayer and questions after the lady in ‘modern day slavery,’ visited us she returned and now we were ready. She was quickly in a place of safety and into the pathway for support and help. We had learned, made new relationships, knew how to fight for her. God had taught us a lesson of trust and faith. Her baptism was a remarkable moment of celebration.
Even with the privilege of almost daily seeing God at work in our context I had failed to see God in these more difficult moments. Journeying with people into Gods love we longed for justice and wholeness seeking God in the messiness and chaos not accepting, like the persistent widow, failure as we saw it. So when it came it was always at a cost.
I learnt of Gods love, of Gods presence, the significance of building ministry on prayer and yes looking after ourselves. After all, didn’t God call us to love those who needed it the most? Yes, but each moment of love, unless you care for yourselves builds up, until you find yourself really struggling. God called you to love and that includes to love yourself.
Find support structures, people to pray for you and your family, people to listen to you, people to advise, people to walk the journey with you. These people aren’t add-ons they are sent by God so you can work together as a team. You will find great strength in crying, praying, showing anger, doubt even fear together. You are not alone God is journeying with you.
“You are not a failure! You are answering Gods call
to serve in the most difficult places and there is
and always will be a cost to that.”
You are not a failure. You are answering Gods call to serve in the most difficult places and there is and always will be a cost to that. Make sure you share the cost, recognise the moments to celebrate, Oh yes! Celebrate Gods healing and goodness and grace but also rest and recognise Gods presence with you.
So remember – ‘You are NOT a failure,’ and neither am I. Next time you are with other urban church ministers don’t ask the normal questions! Ask them how they are and don’t accept ‘good’ as an answer.